Street Fighter Divorce Court
by Fiery Mage
Summary: Your favorite world warriors get divorced in my court. Check out their lame/zanny antics and stuff. No flaming this is my first attenpt at humor.
1. Mr & Mrs Sagat

Street Fighter's Divorce Court  
  
Bailiff (Maxi from Soul Calibur): All rise. Court is now in session. Judge the Fiery Mage presiding.  
  
A short girl with blue gray skin and long fiery red hair with blue black streaks comes out wearing a long black judge's robe. Everyone in the court stands up.  
  
Fiery Mage(sits down at the Judge's chair): You may be seated. I was instructed that a ten year old marriage is coming to a close. Is this right? Mrs. Sagat you are asking the court for spousal support and child support and your husband wants his dog back.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Yes, Your Honor.  
  
Fiery Mage: Mrs. Sagat can you tell me why this marriage is ending? It's not very often that I get a couple in my court room that has been married for so long.  
  
Sagat: Wait! You aren't apart of the Capcom universe and neither is the bailiff!  
  
Fiery Mage: I'm a cross between the Magician of Black Chaos and the Darkfire Soldier #2. Anyways I'm the author of this little fic so why can't I make myself the judge in it since ultimately I will be deciding your fates.  
  
* The court quited down, not a sound could be heard. Everyone was deliberating what the judge had said. *  
  
Now Mrs. Sagat can you tell me your version as to why your marriage is ending?  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Judge my husband is gay and has a lover on the side!  
  
Sagat: No TIGER I'm not TIGER gay. UPPERCUT!  
  
Mrs. Sagat: There he goes again! He's like a gawd d@mn broken record, TIGER-this, TIGER-that over and over.  
  
Fiery Mage: Is that all? Mr. Sagat is this true?  
  
Sagat: TIGER!  
  
Fiery Mage: Oh boy this is going to be one of those cases. Go on Mr. Sagat; can you tell me your version as to why this marriage is ending?  
  
Sagat: My wife's a slut Your Honor UPPERCUT!  
  
Fiery Mage: Do you mind? Stop saying TIGER and UPPERCUT every over word; it's so annoying.  
  
Sagat: Sorry TI . . . . Your Honor, I tend to do that when I'm upset. Anyway my wife is a big giant c@*t. and a whore.  
  
Fiery Mage: Enough name calling and I won't have that kind of language in my court room is that understood?  
  
Sagat: Yes.  
  
Fiery Mage: You may proceed with discretion.  
  
Sagat: When she wasn't out sleeping around she was constantly nagging me about everything. She even complained about my bald head; she wanted me to grow hair!  
  
Fiery Mage (sarcasm): The nerve of that woman!  
  
Mrs. Sagat: You look like a cue ball Victor. Your Honor, I had to complain my husband had me living in a 1 bedroom shack in the middle of nowhere!  
  
Sagat: But you still found enough men to cheat on me.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: At least they had hair.  
  
Fiery Mage: You don't deny committing adultery?  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Just look at him! How could you snuggle up to that especially if you knew that he has been with a man right before he was with you!  
  
Sagat: SKANK! You *censored* Dan Hibiki! If he ain't the gayest MFer I have ever laid eyes on.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: And you can talk? I caught you *censored* with Adon. You two were kissing and *censored* in the living room.  
  
Sagat: At least he understand me and doesn't nag about everything. He even thinks that men with shaved heads are sexy.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Man-whore!  
  
Fiery Mage: Mrs. Sagat! No one talks while I'm talking and I said this to your husband but this applies to you as well. There will be no name calling. Do I make myself clear?  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Sorry your honor.  
  
Fiery Mage: I see you two can't get along. Mr. Sagat, how did you come to meet your wife? I don't see how you two stayed married for so long.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Me either  
  
Sagat: I met her at the store. She was wearing shorty shorts and a see though shirt.  
  
Fiery Mage: And you liked what you saw. I can't help but say this but Mr. Sagat you have to look deep before you leap! Before you marry someone you have to look deep in their heart and get to know the person instead of getting caught up with their outward appearance. Anyways go on.  
  
Sagat: You are preaching to the choir Your Honor. Well when I approached her she was having a problem carrying her bags to the car. When we got into a conversation I found out that she did not know that I was the Muy Tai Emperor at that time. I guess her ignorance of my greatness as well as other things attracted me to her; since I had prettier groupies. We exchanged phone numbers and then started dating from there.  
  
Fiery Mage: No great romance?  
  
Sagat: No  
  
Fiery Mage: Then why did you marry your wife?  
  
Sagat: I wanted to put to rest a rumor about me being a gay pirate, but I'd rather be known as Sagat the fagot than stay married to that harlot. My wife on the other hand married me for my money.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: You don't have any money! You are a poor man!  
  
Sagat: If you knew that about me you would never have married me, but I live my life the way I want to. Being the Muy Tai Emperor is only a title sweetheart; no money goes with it.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: You are just a waste of balls. You get money, don't lie! Your Honor, do you want to know what he does with his money?  
  
Fiery Mage: Not really, but I have this feeling that you are going to tell me anyway.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: He spends it on his lover. On our anniversary he bought a pair of love bird diamond broaches. Instead of giving me both broaches he gave me only one and then he gave the other to his boyfriend over there.  
  
*She points to Adon.*  
  
Sagat: TIGER!  
  
Mrs. Sagat: I should have known he was gay when I first met him. He was dressed too good to be straight. His shoes matched his shirt, which was made from Egyptian cotton, and he was polite.  
  
Fiery Mage: What's wrong with a polite man who can dress well?  
  
Sagat: TIGER!  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Your Honor what straight man do you know who can accessorize?  
  
Sagat: How can you say I'm gay because I can accessorize when Dan wears a pink gi?  
  
Fiery Mage: Order! I have the paternity results in my chambers. I'm going to order a fifteen minute recess.  
  
*bangs gavel*  
  
I like doing that!  
  
*Adon winks at Sagat and blows him a kiss from the audience; Sagat brushes it off and looks at his wife, who is checking her make up.  
  
***The Ruling***  
  
Fiery Mage: Mrs. Sagat, you are asking this court order spousal support and child support and  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Yes, Your Honor.  
  
Fiery Mage: Mr. and Mrs. Sagat I have here in my hands the paternity results for your the child in question which will settle this matter. Mr. Sagat you are asking for cusdity of the family pet, an eight year old Shih Tzu named Fluffy.  
  
Sagat: Yes, my wife won't let me see Fluffy. Fluffy was my grandmother's dog, I inherited him when she passed away. My wife has no claim over this dog, she don't even like animals. She's just using him as a pawn for her own twisted games so she can get money out of me.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: I'd let you see your dog if you agree to pay spousal as well as child support.  
  
Sagat: I'm not paying you a dime. You're shacking up with Dan!  
  
Fiery Mage: Order. Let's get this over with. The paternity results are 99.99% conclusive that Victor Sagat is not the father to Victor Sagat Jr. It is 99.99% conclusive that the second man, Dan Hibiki is the father.  
  
*Dan jumps for joy in the audience and cheers.*  
  
Dan: Oyaji!  
  
Fiery Mage: I order that Mrs. Sagat return her husband's dog Fluffy and since the she has established a new life with someone else; her husband does not have to pay spousal support.  
  
Sagat: I knew it! I knew that child was not mine.  
  
Mrs. Sagat: Well if you had been doing what you should have been doing at home then I would never have cheated and Victor Jr. would be yours. I hope you feel like the waste of balls you are.  
  
Fiery Mage: This matter is settled accordingly.   
  
*bangs gavel*  
  
Court is now adorned.  
  
*Adon, having heard enough stands up and takes up for his man.*  
  
Adon" Tramp! C'mon Sagat-baby it's over let's leave this heffa to her own mess.  
  
*does the snaps that only gay man are good at*  
  
You are now free!  
  
Dan: Yeah! I can finally meet the son I never new I had.  
  
Sagat (enraged): This is an embarrassment! It's a disgrace to have your wife taking away by that pink-clad Kung Fu fool! I'd rather let everyone know that I'm really bisexual than let everyone know that Dan took my wife away from me. UPPERCUT!  
  
*Sagat performs an uppercut, shattering the podium before him. Then out from the audience Jerry Springer pops up.*  
  
Jerry Springer: Today's topic is when loves goes horribly HORRIBLY wrong.  
  
*Dan walks up to Jerry and takes the mic*  
  
Dan(to Mrs. Sagat): I love you! Now that your divorce is final will you marry me and give our son both a mommy and daddy?  
  
Sagat: Over your dead body fool!  
  
*Sagat charges at Dan and starts beating him up.*  
  
Adon (whimpers): I thought you loved me Sagat!  
  
*Steve and Todd run over to break up the fight.*  
  
Fiery Mage (looking at all the disorder): Maxi save me from this fanfic. Jerry Springer has taken over.  
  
Maxi: It's all your doing, you are the author of this story.  
  
Fiery Mage: I know. Let's go back to the judge's chambers.  
  
Maxi: Shouldn't I break up the chaos?  
  
Fiery Mage: Jerry has it covered now and besides I'd like you to see what I'm wearing underneath this robe.  
  
*Steve breaks up the slap fight between Adon and Mrs. Sagat.*  
  
Maxi: Okay!  
  
*Since this is a PG rated fic the first chapter is now over. Too keep it rated PG there will be a new bailiff. Stay tooned.*  
  
Jerry Springer: Take care of yourself and be kind to each other. 


	2. Mr & Mrs Dhalsim

Chapter 2  
  
Bailiff (Heitashi from Tekken): All rise! Court is now in session. The honorable the Fiery Mage is presiding.  
  
The Fiery Mage comes out again dressed in the same judge's robes. When she sees the new bailiff she frowns. Then she sits down at the judge's bench.  
  
Fiery Mage: You may be seated.  
  
*Everyone in the court sits down save the bailiff.*  
  
Dhalsim: Judge it's great to see yet another Street Fighters crossover and what a great YGO character you are!  
  
Fiery Mage: But I am my own creation.  
  
*Dhalsim scratches his head.*  
  
Thanks for the compliment Mr. Dhalsim, but flattery will get you nowhere in this court. Mrs. Dhalsim, your husband seems like a nice guy to me. You claim that he is insane, not affectionate and wants to take over the world.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: Your Honor, he may come across as a kind gentleman, but first impressions can be deceiving. He's strange and not very sympathetic to his family's needs.  
  
Fiery Mage: Why do you say that?  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: My husband spends all day long in deep meditation.  
  
Fiery Mage: What's wrong with that? Meditation suppose to be good for you.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: Not when he neglects his family Your Honor.  
  
*She starts to cry.*  
  
One time I tried to spice up the marriage by wrapping myself in cling wrap I should have known my attempt would backfire, especially when I walked in the room and he didn't know I was there. When I said "hello", in my sexiest voice he did not even turn around to look at me. So when I decided to take off the cling wrap and dance around for him, totally naked I might add, he still continued to meditate!  
  
Dhalsim: But I did move!  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: Yeah, when I threw the Kama Sutra at you.  
  
Dhalsim: Why did you throw the book at me?  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: I wanted you to read it! Then you would know that married couples suppose to have sex!  
  
Dhalsim: How do you think we got our son if I had not read a few pages in that book?  
  
*Mrs. Dhalsim rolls her eyes.*  
  
Woman, what do you want from me? I'm not a sex machine; I need to rest some time and your tantrums don't help either.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: All you do is meditate! Meditate! Meditate!  
  
Fiery Mage (bangs gavel): Order.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: I want some affection, some attention and some nookie!  
  
Fiery Mage: Oh lord!  
  
Bailiff: Want me to take them out? *He bashed his fist together.*  
  
I'll get baldy first.  
  
*The judge shakes her head and gestures for him to stop talking.*  
  
I've some experience at making problems disappear and throwing things off cliffs and volcanoes.  
  
*Dhalsim belches a fire ball causing the court room to come to an awed silence.*  
  
Dhalsim: Yoga!  
  
*He then belches two more fire balls forward. The Fiery Mage ducked to avoid the fire ball, but two of the fire balls dissipated before it could reach her. The third fire ball nearly hits the bailiff.*  
  
Excuse me.  
  
*Some smoke comes out of his ears.*  
  
My breakfast isn't agreeing with me.  
  
Fiery Mage (comes out from under the bench in a daze): What was that?  
  
Dhalsim: Curried vegetables and fruit chutney, my wife sure can make some spicy food!  
  
Fiery Mage: Please refrain from belching fire balls.  
  
Dhalsim: Your Honor, if I don't belch them then the fire will only come out another way.  
  
Fiery Mage: Alright, okay, whatever yeah and moving on.  
  
*She shakes her head.*  
  
How long did you date before getting married?  
  
Dhalsim & Mrs. Dhalsim: 2 months.  
  
Fiery Mage: Wow, that was such a long time! Maybe you guys should have looked deeper before you leapt in to marriage.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: Your Honor, at first my husband was sweet and nice. He would rub my feet & compliment me. He'd even take me for a ride on his one of his elephants. He was such a charming man; even his oddities were cute and playful. Sometimes he would belch and light the candles or incents to make our dinner atmosphere seem more romantic. But when we got married all that changed and now he's just a big flammable gas bag who just continue to meditate, meditate, meditate... all day long.  
  
Fiery Mage: Mr. Dhalsim, is this true? You'd belch on candles and incents to light them?  
  
*Dhalsim nods his head.*  
  
How... uh uh... mmm.. romantic.  
  
*shudders*  
  
So why the big change? She says all you do is just meditate, meditate meditate all day long.  
  
Dhalsim: Your Honor, I am just a humble man. I never thought I would get married, have a family and yet be a yoga master at the same time. It's hard for me to maintain a balance between those aspects in my life. Sometimes I have to meditate to get a clearer picture of my life and to better understand the path that I am traveling.  
  
Fiery Mage: Uh uh yeah okay.....  
  
*nods*  
  
Did you ever spend time with your family when you are not meditating?  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: No, Your Honor, he did not! He spent all his free time with that eye ball alien creature he calls his best friend!  
  
Fiery Mage: Mrs. Dhalsim; I was asking your husband; let him answer for himself.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: Sorry Your Honor.  
  
Fiery Mage: Is this true?  
  
Dhalsim: No, I tried to spend time with my family, but my wife did not want to spend time with me.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: *Censored* was always around. He's gross, doesn't speak Hindi or English and he's rude!  
  
Fiery Mage: Since *censored* is not here we cannot give use his name. Is that understood?  
  
Dhalsim & Mrs. Dhalsim: Yes.  
  
Dhalsim: His language is like backwards Hindi with a touch of pig Latin spoken backwards, I think. Anyways I don't see why you don't like him; he's my best friend, he likes you and tries his best to get along with you.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim; So that is why he had his tentacle on my knee!  
  
Dhalsim: He has so many tentacles that sometimes one or two of them brush up against me when we are talking. Besides he's not of this planet, a tentacle on the knee does not mean he's making a pass on you, it could mean that's he's just saying hello or that he's really interested in what you have to say.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: There you go! You are always taking up for him! He's rude, an UGLY shade of green and just looking at the creature makes me sick.  
  
Dhalsim: That's not very nice to say. Maybe you should meditate and get pass your hostility.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: Your friend wants to take over the Earth! He's not a nice creature, maybe you should have him meditate and deal with his hostility, but no you want to help him take over the world!  
  
Dhalsim: We can enlighten the world together with Yoga.  
  
*The music to Pinky and the Brain starts to play from out of nowhere. Everyone in the audience starts to clap; Dhalsim begins to sing.*  
  
Stretchy and the eye, yes strechy and the eye... Their One is a yoga master the other's ...... an eye. They're not labitory mice, their genes haven't been sliced. They're strechy and the eye eye eye eye. To prove their yoga worth; they'll over through the Earth! They're strechy and the eye eye eye eye EYE!!  
  
*Dhalsim courtly bows when the audience applauds; the judge and the bailliff stare in disbelief.*  
  
Bailiff: Don't sing, I meant it don't sing.  
  
Fiery Mage (awed): I've seen it all. Now moving on......   
  
*She takes a deep breath.*  
  
The plaintiff, Mrs. Dhalsim has asked this court for cusdity of the child produced within the marriage and child support.  
  
*She re-reads the papers in front of her.*  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim, your husband is unemployed and lives off of what others give him. How do you think he is going to give you child support when he has no income.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: Your Honor, my husband should do something for our son. He doesn't spend time with him and he has only changed three diapers since our son has been born.  
  
Dhalsim: I don't know what to do with a baby. He's so little and fragile and he cries all the time. Do you know very unpleasant things comes out of every one of his orifices and how am I suppose to know what he needs when all my son can say is goo goo gaa gaa.  
  
*Dhalsim quickly belches a Yoga flame which singles the Bailliff's sideburns.*  
  
Excuse me, I have heart burn.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: I told you! You didn't need that second helping!  
  
Bailiff: Grrr.....  
  
Fiery Mage: Did you ever have time with just you and your son?  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim (crosses arms): No! That eye ball's always around. Can't it just go home!  
  
Fiery Mage: Mrs. Dhalsim, I only have one question left for your husband before I can make my decision. I'm going to ask your husband and I don't want you to cut in or answer for him. Is that understood?  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: Yes, Your Honor  
  
Fiery Mage: Why do you want this divorce?  
  
Dhalsim: I don't want a divorce; I still love my wife. I came here today to see if we can reconcile.  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: You did?  
  
Dhalsim: Yes, you know I love you. Also our son deserves to have both parents. You know that I was raised by kindly yoga masters, but they still did not take the place of both my mother and father. I fully understand the importance of a loving home. This divorce isn't the answer to all of our problems. I don't want to lose you and I don't want to tear apart our family.  
  
Fiery Mage: Maybe it's me, but am I the only one in this court who can sense that there is still hope for this marriage?  
  
Bailiff: Grr....  
  
*The bailiff is still angry because his precious sideburns are charred.*  
  
Yes, Your Honor.  
  
*He thinks for a second and changes his statement.*  
  
No, Your Honor you are not.  
  
Fiery Mage: Now I'm going to ask your wife this same question. Mrs. Dhalsim, why do you want this divorce?  
  
Mrs. Dhalsim: My husband doesn't spend time with his family. He just sits there an meditate, meditate, meditate untill all hours of the day.  
  
Fiery Mage (gathers up her papers and places them in a nice neat pile): I have come to my decision Mr. and Mrs. Dhalsim. I am not going to grant a divorce. I will however order that you two go into marriage counseling. I truly think that this marriage is worth saving, but it takes work from the both of you. Also I want Mr. Dhalsim to have a word with the bailiff.  
  
*She points to the Defendant, Mr. Dhalsim.*  
  
I think you need a good man to man talk with someone who is not a yoga master.  
  
*The judge then looks at the bailiff.*  
  
Heitishi can you talk to Mr. Dhalsim after court?  
  
Bailiff: Very well Your Honor. I'd love to have a talk with Mr. Dhalsim after the court is adjourned.  
  
*He then mutters under his breath.*  
  
Now I can pay him back for burning my sideburns.*  
  
Fiery Mage: With that said, the judgment will be rendered accordingly. Court is now adjourned.  
  
*She banged the gavel and started to walk back to her chamber.*  
  
A word of advice Mr. Dhalsim, you should see a doctor about your heart burn. It can be very dangerous.  
  
*** Judge's Chambers after court***  
  
*The bailiff and the judge are having a conversation at her desk.*  
  
Fiery Mage: How was your talk with Mr. Dhalsim?  
  
Bailiff: It went well; then his alien friend came and beamed him aboard his space craft.  
  
Fiery Mage: Oh? Were you and he just talking at the time?  
  
Bailiff: Yes, Your Honor, just talking.  
  
Fiery Mage: Well Mr. Dhalsim can't let his friendship wreck his marriage.... tisk tisk tisk.  
  
*She shakes her head.*  
  
But I do hope that they can save their marriage and Mr. Dhalsim can overcome his condescend nature and act like a human, instead of a yoga master.  
  
Bailiff:: Yeah.  
  
Fiery Mage (sighs): So this is it? The chapter is over and Jerry Springer did not take over. We survived to make it this far! What a feat huh?  
  
Bailiff: Well from what I heard, Jerry Springer is in the hospital. The story is that Sagat beat Steven down and Adon took out Todd with his pink magic bag. While all this was happening Dan ended up knocking our Jerry Springer when he tried to take the microphone away from him while he was in the middle of song he was singing to Sagat's wife.  
  
Fiery Mage: Oh my! How..... uh uh....... something. So how do I end this chapter? I'm a character and the author of this fic and I'm as lost as can be.  
  
*She looks at the bailiff; he shrugs.*  
  
Anyways I might as well tell you that I am going to get another bailiff. Your services aren't needed any more.  
  
Bailiff: Why!  
  
Fiery Mage: I know you and Mr. Dhalsim were about to fight when his friend beamed him aboard his spaceship. I'm the writer, I know everything you think, do and say under your breath.  
  
*She quickly uses her "mysterious author powers" and turns Heitashi into Maxi from Soul Calibur 2.*  
  
Now this is how to end a chapter! I totally love that new costume! White is definitely your color.  
  
Maxi: Thanks. Did you miss me?  
  
Fiery Mage: Very!  
  
*The judge walks over to Maxi. She then pulls down a cartoon curtain from out of nowhere which reads......   
  
TO BE CONTINUED* 


End file.
